_{A Letter from the Ivy League Deathmachine: The Monsters of American Education Unleashed}

To the Living World and Whom it May Concern,

          I write to you from the most magnificent and most monster-filled netherworld of human existence. I write to you with missing fingers, a cranium amputation, a dead body, an eternal lachrymal insomnia, a test-score infected bladder, under the weight of a thousand hernia-causing textbooks. I write to you from the happiest layer of hell – the Ivy League Deathmachine – the final destination of the most infinitesimally intelligent but most over-achieving top-notch American college students who compete, test-take, study so hard – they rise above obstacles; including death. But oh, that doesn’t matter, for there is no cause more courageous and noble than studying to death. As this death toll rises with each passing semester -- the Ivy League Deathmachine continues to expand; setting a rapidly growing number of heroic scholarly examples whose immeasurable accomplishments has set the studying record for American Post-Secondary Institutions of Higher Education from each generation to come.

          I have experienced it all.  Receiving straight 5s on fifty-six Advanced Placement exams, from AP Eye-Brow-Waxing to AP Professional Rocket Science to AP Self-Deprication, taking the SAT 12 times, pulling month-long all-nighters, I graduated highschool, valedictorian status, with a 4.0 GPA, acceptance letters from all seven Ivy League Universities, two broken legs, one amputated cranium and a total loss of hair. However, that was only the beginning. I managed to clone myself six times so that I would be able to simultaneously attend all seven prestigious Ivy League Universities, each with a different major. Those clones were the only friends I’ve ever had. I continued to carry out my extremist die-hard studying work ethic. Though the professors despised me for reasons I cannot comprehend -- my six best friends loved me unconditionally and so did disease. I heroically climbed out of the first semester with heart-shaped bubbling tumors exploding like volcanoes in the most public parts of my body, a severe case of glaucoma, hallucinations, blindness and an effluvium of obnoxiously foul odors zooming out of my ears. I was labeled as a cause of pollution and global warming but that didn’t matter to me. Scholarly perfection may only be achieved through sacrifice, so there will always be some minor indecencies. The most prominent one being my death but that is of no worries to me. The world has not yet seen the end of me – my clones shall continuously prosper and set records in the American Education Industry with my victorious legacy.

And my spirit lives on. My soul was elated to finally be sent down to the lowest layer of hell; into the squeezing possession of the sacred Ivy League Deathmachine. With a climate crowned with avalanches of obese college text books, final exam tornadoes, and homework hurricanes, there is no land more ambrosial, and no place more nostalgic, cozy and homely. Several species of many-headed, grubby-skinned monsters and Nazi SAT Exam Supervisors roam this dark and distant land; whom I daresay are each outrageously and mouth-wateringly attractive. When I attempted to negotiate with them through non-violent means, they suddenly spat a layer of phlegm on my face and charged.

“COLLEGE LOANS! COLLEGE LOANS! FEED ME WITH YOUR $567000 IN UNPAID COLLEGE LOANS! YOU HAVE NO ESCAPE NOW!”  

          Screaming, flabbergasted, with utmost disbelief; I realized that these repulsive monsters were on the verge of devouring my soul. I tried to sprint as furiously as my broken amputated legs could muster, but suddenly the revelation dawned. “Why must I be frightened of reaping my ultimate reward?” My ferocious studying has enabled me to transcend death, so now I shall happily accept the greatest award of recognition. So with a mighty sweep, I mustered all the strength my sickened bodily remains had left and triple-axelled my way into the gaping mouth of the College Loan Monster. I tried harder than any human being has ever tried to maintain perfect test scores and flawless grade point averages, broke the universal record for longest time spent studying without sleep, and achieved nothing other than the highest award of a soulless and most victorious death.

With an invisible deathwish and all due respect,
_{Anonymous Fingerprint XXX}

P.S. For those of you who have produced innocent children, I beg you to let them follow my most valiant example. There is no greater achievement than studying one’s health to such towering hardcore heights of self-deprecation. Death is not the enemy.